My friend is infertile, what can I do?
Unfortunately, I have a handful of friends who are living with infertility problems. Whether the issue lies solely with the woman, with the man or with the both of them, it's hard for me (someone who has never experienced the condition) to support them in the "right" way. There are clearly ways that are better than others to help those around you who live with infertility though, and as Infertility Health Activists, I think it's time we start a discussion where we can share our own tips with one another.
RESOLVE, a leading fertility organization offers a great document Just for Family & Friends to learn about methods of effectively helping a friend or family member who lives with infertility issues.
Some of the ways I've read about or done myself include:
just listen: if you don't deal with infertility, your friend probably knows that and doesn't need you offering advice, they need you to offer your ear
go to appointments with them: I've been friends with a woman whose husband worked out of town and she needed a hand to hold; I was that hand
learn about infertility: clearly you're trying to learn about infertility if you're reading this. The WEGO Health Infertility community is a great resource to learn both the basics and the details about this emotionally heavy condition.
don't invalidate the feelings: by telling your friend "be patient," or "get over it," you are telling her that her feelings are worth feeling and that she needs to cope another way; I go back to the just listen option at that point
pretending you get it when you don't doesn't help: your friend will know you're not an expert and he or she won't be as appreciative of your empathy if you pretend you know exactly what he or she is going through
don't remind them "there are worse things that could happen": that's a "duh" in my book - but couples don't want to hear that; they know it
don't push adoption: couples living with infertility need to move at their own pace, not the pace of those around them; don't push options (including IVF, etc) if they don't ask for your opinion
What can you do to help your infertile friends and/or family? What do you currently do? Let's create a list of resources for those seeking advice here at WEGO Health.
Will you take this back to your other Health Activist communities and ask for their advice, too? Come back and share them with me!
Tags: infertility, infertility help
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Susan M. on -
Thanks for getting this conversation started Sarah. I've been doing a bit of research into infertility lately myself. I've spent a lot of time reading various blogs hosted by women who are dealing with infertility in their own ways but one thing I've heard is that everyone has had to deal with an insensitive friend, colleague, family member who isn't dealing with infertility but thinks they know.
Infertility Rocks, a blog I follow, has a great page on "The Essentials" . It's candid and honest and gives some basic information about infertility and dealing with it that I think is helpful - especially for those who are trying to offer their support.
Susan
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Permalink Reply by Sarah on -
I found another great blog that was written by an infertility Health Activist that gives a list of things she just doesn't want to hear from her friends. The State That I Am In shares that even though a friend may have The Best Intentions, sometimes they can come across the wrong way.
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Permalink Reply by Finally_a_Mom on -
Hi Sarah, your friend is going thru an internal struggle of feeling different than other women because her body cannot conceive. Some woman can talk about it easily and others isolate themselves. It may be exspecially hard for her to be around pregnant friends or those with small kids. So if she declines invitations to events, that could be why. I would suggest just asking her if she feels comfortable talking about it and by her reaction you will know whether or not to ask her again. Like Susan said, the insensitivity really hurts but if she knows you truly care that will be comforting to her. Just try not to talk about babies or go with her anywhere where there are alot of kids. It becomes very depressing.
Hope this helps, I am sure you are her true friend if you cared enuff to ask others like her how to go about facing her problem.
Thanks,
Cathy in Chicago
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