Spotlight: Michael Murphy

Spotlight: Michael Murphy Blog: Smoke and Mirrors Blogging Since: February 2005 Family: My parents were each diagnosed with Alzheimer's in the same year. My mom died in July 2005; after 10 years, my dad is now in the late stages. The saddest part was that they never got a chance to say goodbye. Cause: I started the Alzheimer's Webring: Memory Lane, a collection of blogs that address the disease from a caregiver's point of view. I'm here spreading the word. Work: Writer and musician

What about Alzheimer’s surprises you most?

The many sacred moments that defy rational explanation. It’s these moments that I love to write about. I call them God Winks. For instance, I went to visit my mother when she was in the later stages. As I was leaving, I bent down and kissed her forehead and said, “I love you.” She was looking right at me so I added, “Do you love me?” She said simply, “You know I do.”

It was a moment I’ll remember forever. Was it a neurological malfunction? A briefly repaired synapse? God’s fingers touching her brain allowing her to speak those four words? My point is to never give up on your loved one. They are still there and need to feel your love.

What’s your advice for new caregivers?

Accept that something strange is going on. Be ever on the watch for dementia-related clues. And always be willing to answer questions while utilizing the great white lie. If your mom says the sky is purple, you say, yes, and what a magnificent purple it is.

The path of least resistance is always the way to go. It makes no sense to try and reason with a person in any stage of this disease. It just frustrates everyone.

The hardest part is when your mother or father can no longer remember your name. It’s a tough pill to swallow. For me, it was double. Be prepared.

Where do you turn for support?

I’ve found several books and movies that have helped me travel Dementia Road. Specifically, I recommend The Notebook, by Nicholas Sparks, and The Voices of Alzheimer’s, by Betsy Peterson. Both are well written and offer very different views of the disease.

Numerous movies touch on dementia but none comes close to Away from Her. It shattered me emotionally in a way that only a caregiver could understand. The tears I shed watching the movie thoroughly cleansed me.

Who do you admire in the Alzheimer’s community?

The one person responsible for helping me through this whole ordeal is my wife. Every caregiver needs someone to be their true north. My wife was just that.

In each assisted-living facility my parents lived, there were also a number of angels who I came to know personally. Many of these healthcare professionals offer the family much-needed support and a strong shoulder cry on. There are also many angels behind the scenes raising awareness and organizing memory walks to fund medical research. And the research must go on.

What are you most proud of?

I’m most proud of the fact that I never walked away. I’ll go to my grave knowing both my parents got the best care possible. It’s a comfort knowing I gave something back in return for all they gave my sister and me.

Tell us about your blog.

When my mother started on the downward spiral, one night I came home exasperated and picked up a notepad and pen and just started writing. I looked up three hours later and thought, “What the hell just happened?”

It’s through memoir writing that I’m able to keep a part of each of them alive. Writing also silences the many voices in my head.

My aim is to catalog personal life-moments that people can glean meaning from. But it always surprises me when I get an e-mail from someone saying I’ve helped them. I started writing to figure out my own life but found I was helping others. Even so, my blog is a deeply personal place to me.

Did your parents know you were writing about them?

Both were too far progressed to understand. I don’t think about it too much because it saddens me. My writing is a tribute to whom they were and a reminder of who they could have been. A few favorite and bittersweet posts are The Frozen Man, a poem about the disintegration of my father’s mind and spirit, and Nebula, a piece for my mother. They both would have loved reading my words. I think in some small way, they already have.

How do your friends and family respond?

The amount of support and inspiration floors me. Every Christmas, my three daughters give me writing journals. This gift usually moves me to tears because I understand they believe in me as a writer. It’s validation of the highest order. I’m also blessed to have the support of several friends from as far away as Australia, California and Texas. The Internet has made the world a much smaller place. Sometimes that’s a very good thing.

What the most important thing you want caregivers to remember?

That your loved one can still feel love. Even though a time will come when they can’t remember your name, you must continue to love them.

Pray.
And then, pray some more.
Learn to love the familiar stranger in your midst.

Learn more about Michael.

Who inspires you? Let us know who we should feature in our next Spotlight Interview. Write us at community@wegohealth.com