WEGO Health

Jenn C

Anger + self pity= Depression

I am 38 years old. I have been in a severe depression lately. I am on overload! I am so sick and in so much pain that I can barely sleep, but yet I seem to be in bed all of the time. I am not sleeping..I just can not move, it hurts! I am high high doses of medication for pain, I am terminally ill so the doctors seem to not mind giving me the drugs now. All of the years O suffered before, but they would never give me meds, now they write me anything I want and more! I went on a cruise a few weeks ago, only to get more depressed on the cruise and even worse when I got home. While in the middle of the Atlantic, I wanted to go home to my own bed, but I couldn't. I kept wishing I was someone real rich or important that I could call a helicopter to come get me. All the cruise did was remind me of how sick I am, how easily I get tired, and how much I hurt doing the littlest of things! I was miserable! I had to take naps before diner, and after dinner, and if I was lucky I caught an hour in the casino or half of a show at night before I had to go back to bed! Two nights were so bad that my eyes were rolling up in the back of my head and If my dinner came when I my Mother suggested I leave to go to bed, I would have fallen face first in my steak and potatoes! I was not over medicated because I chose to take less meds with me on the cruise to ensure I would not get too tired from all the meds I am on. Then again I am so used to the meds I am on, I rarely feel the effect of them anyhow. I do not even realize how much they work until I have accidentally gone way beyond time to take them. Then my pain level is so high nothing at all makes it better! I am becoming more and more depressed now, the last few weeks since I got off the ship, and I just feel liek I am whirling my way down into a pit I have been in before, and am afraid to return too. My Pain Dr. does want to try me on an anti depressant that helps pain too, and I have had some real bad experiences on serotonin replacements before, so I am afraid to try them, yet I am to the point that I feel I better try to deal with the side effects and try them. I am thinking real desperate thoughts and becoming more and more angry over how sick I am, how much pain I'm in, and how young I am! My fifteen year old son is not handling me well either, and he is rebelling against me. I had a long chat with him the other night because I really do not think he understands just how sick I am, or he does and he is just very angry. I know that living with a chronically ill person is not easy. I get on my own nerves so very often! lol It had got to be very hard for them both, my Mom and Son. Yet, I do not think that they realize how much they are stressing me out, which is not so good for me at all. Stress makes me sicker! I have 4 auto immune diseases, and stress does not help the immune system at all! To top it all off, I go to my GI Dr after I have some labs taken on the first, and I think I am going into liver failure? This weakness, exhaustion, and fatigue has gotten to be at least 1000 times worse then it was two months ago. I went from sever hypertension and being on 4 medications to lower my BP, to having such low BP I can't get out of bed without falling to the floor. This is why I am afraid to try the antidepressants now, more meds on top of my liver failing, just seems a little dangerous? I mean eventually it is going to happen, and that will be that. I chose to not do the Hep C treatments due to my other illnesses, so I am NOT a transplant candidate. Then again do I really want to live in this dark angry place for the rest of my little life I have left? These are all just things I am holding inside. I needed to vent. I have no one I can talk too without a frenzy happening, or I hear from my family "we are sick and tired of always talking about your health focus on something else!" It is kind of hard to focus on anything else when I am consumed with illness, you name it I probably have it!! Or at least that is how I feel right now, I don't really have it all, but I feel I may as well! Ok, I am venting and feeling sorry for myself, but am I not aloud too? I lay around wondering if I will see my son graduate high school, or marry and have children? I ask God, Please God, this is ALL I want to make it too.......See my Son happily married with a family, is this asking too much? I am so depressed, I can't see straight, nor do I even want too!
So, I am going to crawl back to the whole I live in called my bedroom, and watch TV all night. I do have one goal though, and that is to finish my book in 2009, so I need to get out of this funk, and start writing!
Much Peace
Jenn

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Deanna Comment by Deanna on August 9, 2009 at 10:58pm
Dear Jenn,

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry you are struggling so. I know very well about depression and feeling of helpless. Hang on! Don't give up! This site is a blessing! WE do understand! We are all here living it to some degree or more so.

I began having migranes last month. I have found the migrane med over the counter works well. Sometimes though, it takes longer then I would like to work. OUCH!

Please please post...it helps alot! It reminds us we are not alone.There are people we can go to and not burden the family. I try to keep my mouth shut to my family. I don't want to burden them. My son recently moved back in with us, 18 and highschool grad. He thinks I frowning at him, but I told him nope, just mama hurting. My daughter said she is not used to seeing me like this so it scares her and she is 21.

Read some of my blogs, I am very open about my pain on here, questions I have that I am mostly writing to myself.

Hang on, Deanna
Jenn C Comment by Jenn C on June 24, 2009 at 7:31pm
Hey Janeen and Ellen,
Thank You BOTH very much for your replies!! I know you understand Ellen, as things you and i have both written to one another was as if either of us could have written it! lol You both made great points, and yes I do feel that my family ALL OF US need to get counseling, together and separate! Janeen my meds were all just changed AGAIN! That is why he wants to wait until next month to add the anti depressant. He does not usually change more then one at a time, and he added one and changed a dose to a higher does, so actually changed 2 meds last month!! I know the feeling of feeling much much older than you are, I am a prime example of it. I am told that my body is that of a 65 yr old women!! That HURT!! I am trying to take those baby steps too, minute by minute right now. I want to quit smoking sooooooooo BAD, but I am afraid too right now. I know it would help my health, but I am afraid of what it is going to do to my mental health at this time, I am more depressed now than I have been in 2 years! On top of everything I am suffering my week long migraines this week!! I am online real quick, but I have to get my eyes closed. I get migraines, not too often but when I get them, they last for days or even a week! I been in bed in the dark since I wrote this the other day! I am deleting my social network that I made for support. I can't handle the responsibility right now, and I need to take care of myself first and foremost. I am going to give the meds a try and I am seeing my primary Dr on the 14th...I'm going to ask her about therapy my ins covers..Thx for the links , and the replies. I really appreciate it. I was almost not going to post this. I sound like a self pitying brat, but maybe that is how I feel right now, and I had to reach out. I am scaring myself with my thoughts lately, and for me to ask for help, means I probably needed it mos ago!! lol Well, back to lay down. I was hoping to at least get out, walk, get sum fresh air, but not today again..... = ((((
Much Peace
Jenn
Ellen S Comment by Ellen S on June 23, 2009 at 10:29am
Jenn,

I hear your cries my friend. I understand them. I wish I had answers for your questions, but I carry many of the same ones with me every day too. They're the same questions those with debilitating chronic illness live with every moment of the day. We watch the clock move from one moment to the next in the middle of the dark nights when all is quiet and we feel the most alone, and the same questions run thru our minds like a mantra... but without the feeling of peace. I don't have answers today. I probably won't have any more tomorrow, or next week either. I wanted to be sure you knew that you are not alone, and that your voice is being heard. Life is a journey, not a destination, and we DO get to choose how we live it and experience it. Feelings of depression and desperation are a normal part of the process of living with disease. It's important to remember that too. I will pm you later today, okay? Janeen has posted some terrific links here. I hope you have the energy to check them out and see what you think.

Remember, sometimes life isn't about the giant leaps we take, but the smallest of baby steps. If taking it one day at a time is too much, then make the steps smaller. You got thru the last 5 minutes. That means you can do it again. Or the next minute. Progress forward, no matter how small, is still progress. It's still Forward.
Janeen Comment by Janeen on June 23, 2009 at 8:20am
Jenn, I am so sorry you are going through this. Chronic pain, illness, and depression takes it toll on the whole family and from what I'm reading that is definitely what is happening here.
I'm sorry that things were so miserable on the cruise. I'm sure your family were hoping that it would lift your spirits and I'm sure that you were hoping for that too.
My father lives in chronic pain and with several chronic illnesses. I see the toll it takes on him. Instead of being 65 years old he's more like 85 years old and can't do even half of what he used to. He also lives with chronic depression because of it. It causes him to be in even more pain and to be even more tired, but he also has insomnia and doesn't sleep well either. Also, his combo of meds (and there are so many meds) needs to be tweaked every once in a while. Sometimes the pain meds do wear off or sometimes the pain shifts and he needs a different pain med and this seems to help give him a bit more energy. Of course sometimes they give him too much pain meds (like right now) and his system goes into overload and he gets sicker. Then they need to revisit the dosage. It seems like he's in a constant state of medication flux. Have you had your pain medication evaluated lately?
Depression can increase your pain and exhaustion. If you don't want to try the antidepressants, and I don't blame you, can you talk to someone. Maybe talking to a therapist that specializes in dealing with chronic pain/illness patients can help you relieve some of the stress and at least take some of that pressure off of you. It might also help to have your mom and son talk to a counselor too. I think it would give them a different perspective that for you, your life IS all about your pain and illness. I'm sure part of their frustration is also the fact that they love you and are afraid of losing you. And no one wants to see someone they love suffer and be in that much pain. I have a feeling they are afraid for you. They want you around just as much as you want to be around.

The links below all have some excellent information:
Depression and Chronic Pain - Cleveland Clinic

Does Chronic Pain Cause Depression and Can Depression Worsen Chronic Pain? - ABC News

Medical News Today - Coping with Chronic Pain

I'm glad you came here to vent and I hope you know that we are always here for you.

Be Well,
Janeen

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